They often say, “first comes love, then comes marriage,” but we think the traditional nursery rhyme overlooks a vital step: finding someone you genuinely want to date. While meet-cutes and dating applications are popular methods for singles looking for their next partner, it can be simpler to discover Mr. or Mrs. Right when there’s a shared connection, such as mutual friends. In fact, if you’re contemplating setting up your friends, experts suggest it could be the key to helping them achieve that fairytale ending in love.
“Dating can be quite chaotic, and arranging for friends to meet takes away the anxiety of dating a complete stranger,” says marriage therapist, Kiaundra Jackson, LMFT. “Friends who have mutual acquaintances are likely to find common topics to discuss and share interests more readily than strangers,” adds relationship psychologist Sarah E. Hill, PhD. “This can facilitate breaking the ice and fostering a comfortable atmosphere during the date.”
Moreover, establishing connections between friends guarantees you’ll get an invitation to their future wedding if they hit it off, and Jackson notes it can provide them with a much-needed respite from the tiring, app-driven dating landscape. However, before you start pairing up every single person in your circle, Jackson emphasizes the necessity of consent: “Ensure you have permission from both parties before proceeding,” she advises. “The last thing you want is to intrude where you’re not welcome.”
If you receive the green light from all involved, here’s what relationship experts recommend considering when playing matchmaker.
Things to Consider Before Introducing Mutual Friends
Before you spontaneously pair your book club friend with the attractive tech employee from your workplace, Jackson points out the need to understand their desired qualities and values. In fact, couples therapist Lee Phillips, EdD, states that knowing your friends’ “types”—what they seek or avoid in a partner—is a crucial part of this process.
Furthermore, you’ll need to compare their traits, desires, and deal-breakers. “Does the person you’re trying to set them up with match those criteria?” Jackson queries. “Just because two individuals are single does not automatically mean they’re a suitable pairing. They need to share more than just a single relationship status.”
After confirming that your friends are indeed each other’s types, all three experts stress the significance of maintaining realistic expectations and limiting your involvement. “Do not place excessive pressure on the date,” advises Dr. Hill. “It’s an opportunity to familiarize themselves with someone new, but it doesn’t have to evolve into a romantic connection. Everyone involved should know there are no expectations of a successful match; they should simply enjoy the experience.”
The Advantages of Introducing Mutual Friends
Primarily, Dr. Hill suggests that a well-thought-out introduction provides your friends with a level of security and confidence that may be lacking when meeting a stranger. “Mutual acquaintances can act as references, attesting to the character and intentions of the other, which can foster trust between them,” she clarifies.
In addition to safety, Lee mentions that a setup can alleviate the fatigue of swiping and enhance the likelihood of your friends discovering “the one.” It’s straightforward: “Common interests, shared emotions, similar hobbies, and mutual friends [like you!]” he states.
Moreover, the people arranging the introduction also stand to gain. “For the individual doing the matchmaking, this can be enjoyable and provide a sense of satisfaction,” explains Dr. Hill. If things turn out positively, you may even find yourself with some new “couple friends” to enjoy double dates with.
The Disadvantages of Introducing Mutual Friends
Unfortunately, there’s no assurance that things will work out for your friends, which Lee indicates can create tension within your social circle. “What if they break up? What if they hold you responsible for the breakup? It may become uncomfortable trying to maintain friendships when everyone has differing feelings,” Jackson warns.
Additionally, don’t forget the extra pressure your friends may feel to make it succeed since you’re the one orchestrating their meeting. If the date or relationship falls flat, they might struggle to communicate this to you, making the situation awkward for all.
To prevent these issues, Dr. Hill recommends having an open discussion prior to the setup about how things will be managed if the relationship doesn’t work out. “Once everyone understands the exit strategy, it can alleviate some of the pressure on all parties involved,” she adds.
Final Thoughts
Ultimately, choosing to connect well-suited friends can be a gratifying and enjoyable way to assist your pals in finding someone genuinely special. “You have the potential to contribute to a beautiful love story if it develops into a long-term relationship,” says Jackson. “Just ensure your friends are comfortable with you being part of their dating journey. If they are, go for it! If they’re not, respect their boundaries and leave it be.”
In regard to your shared connection, having an open mind and realistic expectations, introducing mutual friends can be a lovely gesture. “The key thing, however, is to maintain the friendship and avoid letting a failed setup lead to unnecessary tension or resentment,” says Dr. Hill. “Remember that friendships are precious, and they should be valued regardless of the outcomes of dating attempts.”
Being The Unattached Friend
The impact of being the only single friend in a group where all your companions are married or in serious relationships.
A few weeks ago, I wrote a blog about being the single sister and the stages of dealing with that. In this blog post, I want to explore what it’s like to be the single friend, which has felt even weirder than being the single sister. Deep down, I always understood that I was likely to remain single among the three of us. However, with my friends, it wasn’t always clear. In fact, my friends and I often thought I would be among the first to marry, not the last.
I used to be the friend who always had a boyfriend, and most of my friends, while they occasionally had boyfriends, never had them as consistently as I did. Although I didn’t have many boyfriends, the ones I did have were long-term and serious relationships. Now, I find myself nearly the only single friend left. Out of all my close friends, over 90% of them are either married, engaged, or in very serious, long-term relationships. Adding to that is the feeling that I’m far from that stage, especially now with COVID.
As the single friend, you generally go through stages similar to what I mentioned in my “Single Sister” post. However, there are a few additional aspects that set the single friend experience apart from that of the single sister.
Sometimes you feel excluded.
I have a few friends I usually hang out with one-on-one, so this sentiment doesn’t apply to them. Nevertheless, I do have other friends with whom we mainly gather as a group, and on occasion, one-on-one. When you’re with a group of friends, particularly where everyone has their significant other, or when you’re at an event lacking a +1, it can be quite disheartening. This is especially true if you struggle to feel comfortable in your own company. Good friends would be mindful of this, but it’s still challenging for them to always be aware. Not to mention, they understandably want to spend time with their partners.
Two of my closest friends are married, and for a long time, we formed a trio. We often hung out as all three of us or just two of us when one couldn’t make it. However, since they got married, they’ve started to go on double dates with their husbands. While I’m genuinely thrilled for them and think it’s wonderful, it can be a bit disheartening at times, and although I try not to let it bother me, I’m only human. Occasionally, I can’t shake the feeling of being left out.
Your priorities and preferences may differ.
Your friends might no longer want to go out as often and may prefer to stay in or leave early when you do go out. Cutting outings short or lacking enthusiasm for wild nights out has become common. For me, this isn’t a big issue since I’ve never been much of a party person. However, many of my friends have turned into “that old couple” who simply don’t want to go out as much anymore, if at all. They lose interest in doing anything overly exciting, like going to a bar or pub late at night.
This doesn’t apply to everyone, as I know many couples (who are also over 30) that still regularly enjoy a night out. Unless they have kids, which often prevents them from going out altogether, it can be quite rare to get them to venture out at night. If you’re single, you can decide for yourself what you want to do and when. In contrast, your married friends often have to consider their partners, and possibly children, as their priorities may also have changed. They may no longer be interested in doing the same things you wish to do, or it may have lost its importance.
Your interests and discussion topics may vary.
As you progress through life and encounter new experiences, your interests and hobbies are likely to evolve as well. If you remain single while your friend is not, the topics you used to discuss may shift. Personally, I still find plenty to talk about with my friends. However, there are occasions when subjects like married life or parenting can feel tedious for singles, especially when discussed in a group.
I’m not referring to your friend simply sharing their experiences or venting; rather, I’m talking about moments when you feel excluded or disconnected as everyone around you chats about changing diapers, baby milestones, and marital issues. It’s also probable that your friends might not want to talk about dating as much anymore, or have any interest in discussing relationships.