Getting physical in the early stages of a relationship can be an exciting time for some couples as they begin to explore their physical and emotional dynamic. For others, it can be a frustrating period that requires a bit of exploration and focused attention on their sexual needs. Regardless of which way the balance scale dips, both scenarios are totally normal, as sexual compatibility differs within every relationship.
How do you know if you are your partner are sexually compatible? If you find that you and your partner are usually on the same page sexually—having common fantasies; enjoying similar sexual acts; having aligned expectations of frequency and duration; and holding similar inclinations to try (or not try) new things—you can probably rest assured you’re sexually compatible. If you believe you and your partner are not sexually compatible, however, there are ways to address this topic and help you both get on the same page.
Ahead, we consulted with certified sex therapist and coach Sari Cooper for advice on how to address sexual compatibility—and incompatibility—in your relationship. Read on for her expert advice.
What Is Sexual Compatibility?
Sexual compatibility refers to two partners having shared or similar sexual needs, including sexual preferences, turn-ons, and desired frequency. It can also encompass sharing a similar temperament, tolerance, or desire to engage in new sexual experiences or, in contrast, having a common outlook on sticking to a “more familiar range of behaviors,” explains Cooper.
Sexual Compatibility Questions to Ask Your Partner
Whether you’re in a long-term marriage or just getting to know someone new, here are a few questions that’ll help you determine the sexual compatibility within your relationship.
- What are your sexual desires?
- How often do you like to have sex?
- What are your turn-ons?
- What are your turn-offs?
- Where and how do you like to be touched?
- What is something you’ve always wanted to try?
- What makes you feel sexy and desired?
- How do you like sex to be initiated?
- What does intimacy look like to you?
- How do you like to communicate about sex?
- What are your sexual deal-breakers?
- Do you need an emotional connection to have sex?
- What to Do If You’re Sexually Incompatible With Your Partner
- Sexual incompatibility does not have to be a deal-breaker in a relationship, as there are ways to maintain your partnership and grow from the experience. Need a few tips? Here are a few
- things to consider if you and your partner aren’t on the same page when it comes to sex.
Unpack Sexual Compatibility for Yourself
Start with yourself and try to get specific about the aspects of sexual compatibility you think you’re missing. “Most people who are easily embodied (their mind and body are well-integrated) are pretty aware and can describe what turns them on. There are some folks who, for many reasons (childhood shame, history of sexual assault, gender dysphoria), are not as able or comfortable in accessing what exactly their erotic triggers are,” explains Cooper. “For folks who are more embodied, I invite them to list all of the erotic triggers they are currently aware of and those that they would be open to potentially exploring either on their own or with a partner.”
Approach the Topic Without Blame
Due to the high emotions and guilt associated with conversations about problems in the bedroom, it’s easy to point fingers when discussing sexual incompatibility. However, you need to find a way to talk with your partner without casting any blame.
“A critical skill that many partners aren’t practiced in doing is talking about sex they truly desire. The way to begin is by letting your partner know the aspects of the relationship you truly enjoy, including nonsexual qualities,” explains Cooper. “Then using ‘I’ statements, expressing some of the things one is curious to incorporate into one’s sexual life, like ‘I love kissing for a long time as a way of getting into an erotic space with you, could we try doing a makeout session in which we explore soft kissing without using our tongues at all?'”
Being open-minded and patient is essential here, too. It can be tempting to go into these conversations feeling defensive or offensive, but if you’re going to get into it productively, you need to establish some ground rules and work hard on sexual communication.
Keep Your Lines of Communication Open
Sustained communication is key to sexual wellness and satisfaction, according to Cooper. That’s why Cooper suggests carving out time, either weekly or biweekly, to discuss feelings around the sexual relationship or relationship as a whole. Checking in keeps the communication channels open so that both partners can share their expectations and work toward balance.
Talking with a counselor or sex therapist may be helpful, as well. “When discussions around sexuality and eroticism lead to escalating arguments, I’d recommend seeing a sex therapist who is trained to guide partners to talk about intimacy issues,” says Cooper. “If one partner initiates the conversation in a calm manner and the [other] continues to shut the topic down, either through changing the subject or dismissive statements, this would also be a sign that professional help is needed.” Particularly with issues that are so complicated and can be so emotional, having a third person in the room may really help make the discussion more productive.
Shift Your Perspective
Shifting the way you think and talk about sex with your partner could set you on the right path. A study from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that people who believe in the idea of sexual growth—that sexual satisfaction is attained from hard work and effort—experience higher relationship and sexual satisfaction than those who believe in sexual destiny, the idea that sexual satisfaction is attained simply through finding the right partner.1
“If partners are willing to discuss and experiment with all kinds of erotic and physical sexuality with one another, there is more hope that they will discover more overlapping experiences of sexual compatibility,” says Cooper. “Employing a sustained sense of willingness to explore is a key ingredient.”
Try Out New Ideas and Activities
Getting out of old sexual patterns can be tough, but it may be worth the effort. “Set a time to share ideas on activities you’d like to try with one another, with an agreement that neither partner will put down or make fun of their partner,” advises Cooper. As long as you aren’t doing something against your will or something that makes you feel bad, trying out new things, even when you feel ambivalent, might be one way of moving toward a different sexual relationship.
Find a Way to Compromise
Not unlike the first point, making compromises is part of any relationship, and compromising on sex shouldn’t be off the table simply because it’s sex. “Create a weekly intimacy date that could alternate with experimenting with each partner’s interests with an agreement that, if either partner started to feel uncomfortable or turned off, a safe word would be used to stop without blaming or shaming,” suggests Cooper.
Know What You Can and Can’t Handle
Despite your best efforts, one or both of you might lose faith in your ability to work it out, and you may reach a point where can’t live with a sex life that takes a backseat. If this is the case, be honest with your partner and have a conversation about whether the relationship should end. Just remember: There are no quick fixes to the issues you’re dealing with, and you shouldn’t be ashamed that you are having this issue. Know that you’re not the first couple to deal with sexual incompatibility and you won’t be the last.