“Improving our communication is essential.”
“Our relationship isn’t prioritized enough.”
“It feels like we’re not functioning as a team.”
“Could you assign us tasks to work on between sessions so we have specific actions to take?”
As a therapist who works with numerous couples, these are common requests I frequently receive during initial consultation calls. This consultation provides my clients the opportunity to express their desired areas of focus, which helps me gain a better understanding of their needs. If they have previous therapy experiences, I inquire about any methods or tools that were effective for them—or those that didn’t resonate.
A significant number of couples express a desire to improve their communication. Many also indicate they are seeking quick, actionable strategies they can implement immediately to get back on track within the next few weeks. They typically request specific suggestions, tools, and assignments that could offer the “solution” they haven’t been able to achieve independently.
I completely understand the urge for immediate results, especially for couples seeking therapy during a particularly difficult phase in their relationship. In fact, various couples therapy models often focus on short-term outcomes. I also recognize why many couples highlight communication as their primary challenge and believe that enhancing their communication skills could fully mend their relationship.
While concerns about communication are valid and significant, there is much more beneath the surface. I believe that communication issues are often symptoms of deeper, underlying problems. Each couple is unique with their distinct challenges, but these core issues are frequently tied to trust, safety, respect, power dynamics, or emotional connection.
Focusing on immediate and actionable solutions can help alleviate stress for the couple and foster hope, but without addressing the deeper work, concentrating solely on the surface is simply applying a temporary fix to a larger, more complex wound.
Both methods play a crucial role. My approach to resolving relationship issues involves simultaneously addressing both immediate skills and deeper problems, tackling the situation from all angles.
Utilizing surface-level strategies typically involves quick fixes. These can be corrective, such as transitioning from critical or defensive communication to employing “I” statements and validating your partner’s feelings. Surface-level interventions can also be used to strengthen the relationship, like setting aside a night each week for a date to enhance quality time with your partner.
These strategies are vital and can foster connection, but they tend to emphasize the “what” instead of the “why.” In other words, these interventions deal with behaviors and bring about changes in the moment.
While these tactics can significantly alter the path of a relationship, they may not address the root causes of the underlying issue. For instance, what drives the use of harmful communication patterns? Are there unresolved resentments in the relationship? Why might there be a need for increased quality time? Are one or both partners feeling a sense of disconnection?
To be clear—increasing the time spent with your partner typically enhances the relationship, as long as both partners are in a stable state and additional time together does not lead to heightened conflict or stress. However, simply adopting these strategies does not necessarily confront the underlying challenges. The complex dynamics between partners remain unexamined. While some change may occur, it could be short-lived since it only addresses surface-level issues.
Addressing surface-level concerns can often benefit from working with a qualified mental health professional who can provide the psychoeducation needed to understand the symptoms and help in creating a plan. Many clinicians also assign readings (known as bibliotherapy) to complement their therapy sessions.
Listening to self-help podcasts and connecting with others who are experiencing similar challenges can also aid in understanding your situation and fostering change. However, it’s crucial to exercise caution regarding your sources. Ensure you consult the work of someone with proper mental health qualifications or research expertise related to the subjects you are examining. Don’t just accept the process—be discerning.
Delving into the depths
Engaging in profound work necessitates both time and patience. To uncover places where attachment wounds lie, a strong therapeutic relationship with a clinician experienced in couples therapy is essential. The couple must feel secure enough to be open and share their feelings, desires, and needs. Unlike individual therapy, couples therapy requires a distinct approach, as the focus shifts to the relationship itself. The intricate interpersonal dynamics are explored and untangled, and with the couple’s involvement, reformed to create healthier patterns.
Therapy is not a straight path; it is a complex and ever-changing process. This implies that working collaboratively with the clinician and exploring deeply may generate temporary discomfort and pain, as long-hidden topics come to light and are examined. Some couples might feel as if they are advancing one step only to regress three steps as they discover new challenges on the path to healing. It won’t be straightforward, and it will demand effort.
These depths are unique for each couple. For some, the root of current conflict may stem from attachment wounds or violations of trust, such as infidelity or feelings of neglect and abandonment arising from times when one or both partners sought love or support that wasn’t received. Issues surrounding respect or imbalanced power dynamics in relationships, often seen when one partner carries the emotional burden, are also deeper concerns, leading to feelings of resentment and suffering.
Over time, these intricate and challenging dynamics create a gap, and as this divide widens, couples begin to observe surface-level issues, like poor communication or a lack of shared time.
Combining everything
As you approach therapy, it’s crucial to keep in mind that both strategies are significant.
By addressing immediate issues, you’ll be making progress in reducing harmful communication, enhancing quality time together, or tackling other needs. You’ll explore the “what” and concentrate on the symptoms. Without some form of immediate intervention, many couples might struggle to even make it to the metaphorical (or actual) couch to start their therapeutic journey.
If the deeper work is not addressed, the process is likely to end sooner than intended. Investigating the deeper wounds helps uncover the “why”—the reasons behind the establishment of these problematic behaviors in the first place. The goal of deeper therapeutic work is to heal attachment wounds, break harmful patterns, and create new, healthy ways of relating to one another. It also helps both partners reveal any barriers to forming a secure and loving connection.
Regardless of whether you’ve been in a relationship for two years, two decades, or half a century, you’re likely aware that when you and your partner aren’t on the same wavelength, it can be challenging to rediscover that joyful connection you once enjoyed. Seeking advice from family and friends rarely provides the support you need, particularly if they suggest harsh actions like “dump them” or engage in negative talk. Fortunately, couples therapy exists.
It can be daunting to acknowledge that your relationship needs assistance, and diving into couples therapy may feel like signaling the end of your love, revealing your incompatibilities. However, couples therapy (which might be better termed relationship therapy since not all partnerships are romantic) reportedly has a beneficial effect on 70% of individuals who attempt it, according to a review of couples therapy studies conducted in 2011.
Couples therapy can be incredibly helpful when you find it difficult to initiate tough discussions without feeling crushed. For example, if your partner’s messy habits drive you crazy or their traditional Valentine’s Day meal has grown stale, couples therapy can facilitate more effective and nonjudgmental communication (these questions for couples might also assist!). Additionally, if you want to understand why your significant other hasn’t proposed yet, seeking couples therapy could be the right choice. Collaborating with a therapist can also provide you and your partner with problem-solving tools and ways to address concerning behaviors, like possessiveness. However, couples therapy isn’t solely for troubled times; it can also be proactive, equipping you with skills like conflict management to address issues early in your relationship.
My wife and I first sought couples therapy a few years into our relationship when she felt ready to discuss marriage, homeownership, and family, while I preferred to indulge in comic books. Our initial couples therapist encouraged us to take turns expressing our needs and fears so both of us felt acknowledged. Once I improved my communication skills, my then-girlfriend began to grasp my anxiety and my inclination to envision worst-case scenarios about our future together and what might happen if it fell apart (see: trust issues). Through these sessions, I learned to have faith in both her and our future. Subsequently, our therapist assisted us in creating a timeline for marriage; knowing what to anticipate alleviated some of my anxiety and fostered trust with my soon-to-be wife.
After our wedding, we had to change therapists due to the typical insurance challenges that arise with employment changes. About seven years ago, we found our therapy bashert (the Yiddish term for soulmate), who completely understands us and supports us during our difficult times.
I have been with my wife for 13 years now, and we often go extended periods without attending therapy, returning only for check-ins when our communication falters, during prolonged disagreements, or when life becomes overwhelming. Today, we’re blessed with several children, all of whom have two loving parents dedicated to nurturing a caring home.
But you don’t have to rely solely on my experience to appreciate the benefits of couples therapy. If you’re considering taking the plunge, here are individuals sharing their reasons for pursuing couples therapy and what they gained from the experience.
Our arguments became repetitive.
“My husband and I sought couples therapy seven years into our relationship because we kept having the same arguments. At that juncture, we questioned whether it was healthy for us to remain together. I felt that he needed to take things more seriously, while he believed I was taking him for granted. We were stuck at a standstill.
As a therapist myself, I found it difficult to feel comfortable entering couples therapy, convinced that I should be the one who had it all figured out. The stigma faded when friends and colleagues in my field began sharing their own experiences with or interest in couples therapy, reminding me that everyone faces challenges.
Through therapy, my husband and I learned several vital lessons, such as taking breaks during heated arguments and revisiting topics later when we were better equipped to share our feelings, a strategy we hadn’t utilized before.” —Rachel B., 32
I wanted to understand how to support my partner.
“My boyfriend was battling mental health challenges, dealing with depression, and was trying to find the right medication. I wanted to attend couples counseling to learn how to support him better. We had both already participated in individual therapy for years, so we were familiar with the process.
One noteworthy point the therapist highlighted was the importance of not tiptoeing around your partner just because you think he is managing his own struggles. It’s crucial to express what bothers you without fearing you might hurt his feelings. Talking through difficult topics and positive ones with a mediator was incredibly valuable. Nowadays, my boyfriend and I prioritize ensuring that each individual feels fulfilled and has the opportunity to express their concerns.” —David G.*, 35
I experienced a wave of jealousy.
“My girlfriend, with whom I had shared a couple of years, and I were arguing frequently about my feelings of jealousy when she interacted with other men. We believed we could benefit from some guidance because we were unsure how to end our constant disputes, and attending therapy empowered us to confront our issues.
As we progressed in couples therapy, I recognized I had to focus significantly on my own personal growth. I began taking medication for my depression and attended individual therapy to work through childhood trauma.
It was challenging, but couples counseling helped me understand that my ex and I were not suitable complements to fill each other’s needs; we just happened to be at different stages in our lives then. The therapist assisted me in realizing that I deserve to have my needs met, even if my partner wasn’t in a position to fulfill them.” —Jeff A., 46
We aimed to proactively address potential marital concerns.
“Prior to my marriage to my wife a decade ago, our wedding officiant, who was also a licensed counselor, advised us to attend couples counseling to establish a solid groundwork for our life together.
What proved to be most advantageous was that we dedicated time to clarify our expectations of each other and our marriage, and these discussions extended beyond just finances and children. We explored our desires for our shared future and long-term plans, which turned out to be very healing. I believe it prevented us from needing additional therapy after our wedding.
Today, our marriage resembles a house; while there might sometimes be a crack in our pipes or a hole in our wall, we pause, communicate, and resolve the issue.” —Joseph N., 43
I wanted to feel united before starting a family.
“When I became pregnant, I aimed for us to enter the family dynamic as a united front. I wanted us to acquire healthy communication skills to prepare for our baby’s arrival. In couples therapy, we discovered our differing conflict styles shaped by our backgrounds and generational trauma, but both of us were eager to heal from our pasts.
Once our baby was born, we learned that when we felt upset, taking a break to self-soothe helped us return in a calm and regulated manner. Now, we can address our disagreements logically and calmly without exposing our baby to arguments between Mom and Dad.” —Daphne T., 34
We found ourselves in a recurring cycle.
“My wife and I love intensely and argue intensely. … We sought therapy because we didn’t want to keep having the same arguments repeatedly.
I was hesitant about couples therapy because I’m a 44-year-old Black man married to a white woman, and our therapist was an older white male who didn’t share my life experiences. That therapy session wasn’t particularly beneficial; I felt unseen, and my experiences seemed less valued compared to my wife’s.
Although our initial experience with couples therapy wasn’t ideal, we did make some progress. We learned to clarify our communication, take turns speaking, and respect each other’s triggers. The simple act of scheduling time to nurture your relationship together can significantly impact a couple. After each session, we bonded further by visiting a local bar to participate in trivia. I would be open to trying therapy again with a different therapist.” —Lenny G., 44
We required assistance with listening to one another.
“Managing communication challenges with one partner is tough enough, but balancing multiple relationships, such as in my polyamorous group, makes it beneficial to have an external person to help untangle complications so that everyone comprehends what others are expressing.
Finding an appropriate therapist can be tricky for a polyamorous group; we need to consider whether that individual has biases since our relationships may not resemble theirs. In those initial sessions, we asked questions like, ‘Are you open to working with queer individuals? Do you have sufficient knowledge about asexuality? Are you comfortable working with polyamorous relationships or ethical non-monogamy?’ Fortunately, we encountered therapists who are not only understanding but also have personal experience with polyamorous relationships.”
My relationship includes individuals who have faced challenging experiences related to their queerness during their youth. Therapy has served as a beneficial environment for us to unpack our personal issues, enabling everyone in the group to foster a more empathetic atmosphere regarding the respective burdens we all carry, allowing us to address them together.” —Cody D., 46
I had nearly lost hope in our relationship.
“Charlie was afraid of commitment and hesitant to marry. After six years of being on and off, I decided to walk away. I told him, ‘If you don’t seek therapy, I’ll move on,’ which led to our breakup. Then one day, he reached out to tell me he had been going to therapy. He asked, ‘Would you come with me next Wednesday? My therapist wants to meet you.’
Curiously, I agreed to go with him, expecting Charlie to explain his reluctance to marry. I essentially told the therapist that I wouldn’t stay if he didn’t want to marry. ‘But he does want to get married,’ the therapist replied, before helping Charlie and me create a plan for the future, which included an engagement in November. We celebrated our 26th wedding anniversary this year.” —Sue S.
I thought that extra support could help ease challenges in our relationship.
“I was inadvertently doing something that bothered my boyfriend, but he felt he couldn’t express it without making me upset. When he finally voiced his concerns, I felt completely overwhelmed because this had been building up in our relationship. Still, we weren’t on the verge of breaking up. I believed that therapy would make it easier to address whatever issues arose.
We sought a therapist I had previously seen for individual counseling, someone we both trusted. With this therapist, we practiced being open about our feelings instead of getting annoyed with each other and saying hurtful things. We’ve been participating in couples counseling for about two years now, and it’s fascinating to see how effectively we handle our challenges now. It’s like, ‘Oh, this is what therapy is meant for.’” —Toni S.*, 43
We were not prepared to give up on our relationship.
“It took a number of months to persuade my boyfriend that couples therapy would be beneficial, as he wasn’t accustomed to delving into emotions. I believe he eventually recognized that we couldn’t resolve our relationship problems alone, but he was also unwilling to give up on us.
In therapy, we discovered communication techniques such as active listening and learned to acknowledge the differing ways we perceived intimacy. He viewed intimacy as a physical necessity, while I regarded it as emotional vulnerability. It was reassuring to have a therapist validate that our concerns were normal, and we came to understand that we genuinely loved and cared for each other.
Ultimately, we concluded that our lives were charting different paths, but therapy allowed us to maintain a strong connection after our breakup. We remain close and significant to one another. Our relationship evolved, and we could achieve that evolution because we committed to the work.” —Emily B., 41