Is it worth jeopardizing your current relationship for a memory box filled with items from a previous one? In the popular Netflix series Nobody Wants This from last year, a particularly notable scene features Kristen Bell’s character discovering a box containing belongings from her new boyfriend’s former girlfriend. She promptly refers to it as “the Box” and ponders extensively whether to open it (spoiler alert: she does).
Individuals keep items from former relationships for various reasons. They may feel nostalgic about earlier stages in their lives, using these objects to recall significant experiences and partners; such a box could also indicate they’re still grappling with unresolved feelings. Another reason people hold onto “the box” is simply that some find it difficult to part with anything that has sentimental or monetary worth—it might not relate to the person or the relationship itself, just the fond memories attached. An informal survey we conducted with 50 individuals revealed that 46 of them admitted to keeping something from a previous romance—this included photographs, love letters, and jewelry. “What’s wrong with reminiscing about what it was like to be young and in love?” one survey respondent questioned. “My box demonstrates I had a life before my husband, and it helps me appreciate the relationship I’m currently in.”
Below, professionals in marriage counseling, matchmaking, and dating offer insights into whether it’s acceptable to retain “the Box” after marriage.
Is it permissible to keep belongings from previous relationships after getting married?
“It’s your life, your box, and your past. Keep what you wish, and discard what you wish,” asserts Janet Freindlich, MSW, LCSW, a clinical social worker focused on couples therapy and behavioral health. “In my opinion, every couple requires a degree of autonomy and possessions that belong solely to them.”
“It’s fine to reflect on, learn from, and embrace the past, but you must recognize that keeping a box might have repercussions for your current relationship,” explains Lamont White, a matchmaker and the founder of Better Way to Meet. “Consider: Is holding onto physical mementos worth affecting an existing relationship? I believe individuals should undertake the necessary effort to move on. Discarding keepsakes and eliminating social media pictures and texts might be necessary steps. If it proves difficult, ask yourself, if the memories were so wonderful, why am I not still with that person?”
Freindlich concurs, adding, “For some individuals, retaining items from previous relationships ties them emotionally to their ex and the events surrounding that time in their lives, making it hard to let go and progress in a new relationship.”
How can I balance wanting to keep sentimental items while being respectful to my spouse?
It is a challenging balance, yet critical for your marriage. “At times, people desire a visual or tactile means to cherish a memory or person,” reveals Freindlich. “If someone had a positive impact on you and brought about good feelings and experiences, it’s understandable to wish to keep a reminder of that person and that time. However, if your partner is uncomfortable with the box, then a candid discussion is necessary. I recommend creating a ‘mutual’ box that combines significant keepsakes you’ve each saved through the years.”
“Retaining items from the past doesn’t inherently lessen a current relationship, but our approach to it is essential,” adds Stephen Oreski LCSW, a marriage counselor and psychotherapist. “When discussing the box, ensure you emphasize the love and significance your current relationship holds while helping your spouse feel secure. This is where you can stress that it’s possible to cherish your past while constructing a strong future together.”
Does my spouse need to be aware of the existence of the box?
Honesty and trust form the foundation of any successful relationship, making it vital to inform your partner about the box. “Secrets empower the box, both in our minds and in our partner’s outlook,” states Oreski. “During a calm moment, you might say, ‘Hey, I discovered a box of old cards and photos from my past; would you like to look through it with me?’” If you’re unsure how to bring up the topic with your partner, especially if you’ve been together and shared living space for some time, experts agree that honesty is the best approach. “Engage in a discussion with your fiancé or spouse and inquire if they hold onto photos, cards, or gifts from past relationships,” suggests Oreski. “This provides an opportunity to refine your communication skills. Enter these conversations with an open mind. One partner may feel quite sentimental about keeping items, while the other may feel less inclined. Striving for balance is crucial to honor each other’s perspectives.”
“If a partner wants to understand more about what’s in the box, it’s up to the holder of the box to decide if they want to share or keep it private,” notes Freindlich. “A partner should recognize that you had a life before meeting them, and unless they emerged from nowhere, they too have a past.”
Daphney Poyser, a dating coach and the CEO of Fern Connections, emphasizes the significance of honesty and openness. “Secrets and deception can be detrimental to a relationship,” she states. “Sometimes addressing these things openly diminishes the urge to conceal them.” Furthermore, it’s worth mentioning that sharing old photo albums and memorabilia can be an enjoyable activity for those who feel secure in their relationships; what you might worry could cause issues in your marriage could turn out to be a positive thing. “Expressing to your partner that you would love to view their pictures and share your own is a great way to ease into the topic of kept boxes,” explains Sonnet Daymont, MA, LMFT, a marriage and family therapist.
Should my partner have access to my box and vice versa? Only with mutual consent, according to our experts. “I don’t recommend snooping, digging, or searching through someone’s box without their permission,” advises Freindlich. “It’s akin to going through someone’s diary, phone, or computer.”
“Sharing a box requires a level of intimacy that individuals should only engage in when they feel ready,” points out Daymont. If one partner wishes to go through the box, the owner should be present. “Even those who are emotionally secure may have concerns about a box that contains memories from a past relationship,” mentions White. “Be aware that there’s a risk of experiencing overwhelming emotions during a ‘show and tell,’ as feelings from those memories may suddenly resurface, making things awkward. If you doubt your ability to handle information that wasn’t meant for you to see, you might want to avoid searching for trouble. If you discover something difficult to process, like a letter where your partner informally proposed to an ex, take a walk and then calmly discuss it with your partner after you’ve calmed down.”
Where should I keep the box? Our experts say it ultimately depends on personal preference regarding the box’s location. “Some may go to great lengths to hide it beneath loose floorboards in the basement where it won’t be easily accessed, while others may store theirs in a bedroom closet,” notes Freindlich.
Are there occasions when it’s advisable to purge the box? Ideal times would be after a divorce or before relocating. “Whenever I move to a new place, I discard items from former relationships, except for mementos from my late husband, who passed away at a young age,” shares Freindlich. One consensus among the experts is that returning items is generally not recommended. “Those who do often seek to get their ex’s attention, which is not a favorable action, especially if that ex is in a new relationship,” states Freindlich.
Real People Share Their Experiences with Memory Boxes Is a memory box still part of your life?
Below, 14 individuals from our survey share their perspectives.
- “Absolutely, I have a box! If we can remember past relationships in our minds, why shouldn’t we keep physical items too?” —Janine
- “Whenever I come across items from an ex, I read them, let go, and throw them away. I recognize what I have and what I experienced, with my current relationship being far more enriching.” —Sarah
- “Most items in my box are keepsakes from my high school boyfriend, who sadly passed away a few years ago. His loss makes the contents of the box even more emotional and bittersweet.” —Kristen
- “My box is stored at my mom’s home—my wife doesn’t know it exists.” —Charles
- “My box holds my memories. It contains all sorts of things—concert tickets, matchbooks, poems, and pictures. I don’t conceal anything, but I plan to curate the contents at some point—retaining only the truly meaningful items and getting rid of the rest in a ceremonial bonfire.” —Cindy
- “I still have my box filled with happy memories—I discarded any negative items long ago.” —Kathy
- “I don’t see any reason to keep reminders of someone I’m no longer with. Plus, I wouldn’t want my partner to think I’m holding onto my past either.” —Maria
- “I discovered letters in my husband’s box from his ex that provided insight into his past and, importantly, who she was as well. This helped me understand some of the factors influencing our current relationship dynamics.” —Lisa
- “I don’t save anything from past partners. I believe that to truly move on, it’s best to remove all physical memories of an ex from your life.” —Kim
- “Men also keep sentimental items, though they might be less forthcoming about it. I have a box filled with pictures that I’ve shared with my spouse who has no problem with any of it.” —Steve
- “My box contains scrapbooks and photo albums that bring me joy since they mostly hold happy memories. However, the thought of my daughters going through them one day—viewing their mom in a different way—makes me both laugh and cringe.” —Nancy
- “Looking at the items in my box brings me a mix of happiness and sadness, but I recognize that my past relationships and experiences have led me to where I am meant to be.” —Stephanie
- “I maintain a box but never use it as a point of contention with my fiancé. I believe these are personal memories that should remain private.” —Stacy