“The initial year of marriage tends to be the toughest,” I told my friend, attempting to provide comfort. The reality is, I’m uncertain why I said it. It’s simply a phrase people use—I had no confirmation if it’s accurate or merely reassuring to hear. Why would the first year be the most difficult? I figure it stems from earlier times when marriage meant acclimating to having someone constantly in your personal space for the first time. However, in the 21st century, when nearly half of women cohabitate with their partners before tying the knot, does it truly make a difference?
It genuinely does. Because although it may seem like an outdated notion, the first year of marriage continues to pose challenges. In fact, if anything, modern life has rendered marriage even more complex. You’re just beginning to unwind from the wedding, and suddenly you’re faced with the task of merging finances, juggling two careers, navigating the involvement of both families, and beginning to confront the realities of being married. Additionally, the pressures of young adulthood are still present—student debt, escalating living costs, a lack of space—but now it’s doubled. You must consider both your needs and those of your partner.
And the real issue? It’s considered taboo to discuss it. In a time where social media showcases “perfection,” there’s a fear of appearing unhappy or ungrateful, or even like a poor partner. Yet, acknowledging that you’re having a tough time isn’t shameful, and experiencing difficulties doesn’t imply you regret marrying. Engaging in open dialogue can be very beneficial. To help initiate this conversation, we consulted relationship therapist Aimee Hartstein, LCSW, for her insights into what drives those first-year challenges.
Why It’s So Difficult
Hartstein confirms that the first year is indeed the hardest—even if you’ve cohabitated prior. In fact, it often makes little difference if you’ve been together for several years; the commencement of married life remains challenging. “There are a few main reasons that the first year is so tough,” Hartstein states. “The year leading up to the wedding is typically very stressful and fraught.” That’s quite an understatement.
Even when the wedding is wonderful and planning it is enjoyable, transitioning back to life after the big day can still be difficult—because suddenly it’s all over. “There can also be a sense of anti-climax post-wedding,” Hartstein observes. “People have invested a year or two aiming for this achievement, and it culminates in a single night. Picking up the next day or after the honeymoon and resuming everyday life can be tough or disappointing.” So, when ordinary life resumes and the excitement fades, it’s easy to place blame on the most recent change—marriage.
Another reason the first year of marriage differs from simply being in a couple is straightforward: marriage is a different commitment than just being in a relationship. “It’s inherently different from cohabitation,” Hartstein clarifies. “Although they may appear similar, with cohabitation, there’s always a relatively straightforward exit. In marriage, you’ve entered into a binding contract. You are now in a permanent union, and the stakes feel significantly higher. Every argument or disappointment within the marriage can seem more substantial and loaded because this is a lifelong commitment.”
While prior disagreements may have felt trivial, now you suddenly have the “oh-my-god-this-is-the-rest-of-my-life” perspective making everything feel more intense. And while grappling with that sensation, don’t overlook your in-laws. Because now they are part of the family, too. Try not to stress.
And that merely scratches the surface of the emotional aspects. The practical elements of married life can be challenging, particularly at the start. You are now legally accountable for one another’s finances, which marks a major shift, and discussing financial matters can often be explosive. Moreover, the administrative burdens can feel overwhelming, especially if there’s a name change involved. Updating bills, licenses, passports, setting up joint accounts, and writing thank-you notes—it’s clear how stress can accumulate during that first year when the realities of married life begin to become apparent.
It Doesn’t Have to Be a Catastrophe
There’s no reason for the first year of your marriage to be a period of unhappiness. Certainly, there’s much to be anxious about—but try to maintain some perspective. If you find yourself feeling down or irritable, take a moment to pause. Are you and your partner arguing because they’ve genuinely done something wrong? Is the marriage truly the issue, or are you directing your own frustrations toward your spouse? Often, if you take some time to reflect, you’ll find that the issue lies elsewhere.
If there are issues with your partner, don’t hesitate to bring them up just because you’re now married. Your lifelong commitment doesn’t suddenly make their habits, like leaving toenails around or forgetting to inquire about your day, any less frustrating. In fact, it’s crucial to maintain open lines of communication. At the very least, allow yourself to express your feelings to your friends. Doing so doesn’t imply you’re a bad partner—and they will likely be understanding.
The positive aspect is, the challenging first year of marriage is not permanent. Couples eventually adapt and become accustomed to married life, and many experience periods that are significantly smoother afterward.
If you find yourself facing difficulties during your initial year, take solace in the fact that you’re not the only one. Keeping things in perspective and not using your marriage as a reason for your struggles should help you navigate through just fine. “The bright side is that the challenging first year of marriage is temporary,” Hartstein observes. “Couples adjust and usually move into many easier, less turbulent years after that. At least until they enter the first year of parenting.” Not so fast—let’s focus on getting through the first year first.