Many students start college with a new laptop and a variety of dorm necessities. While I had those items as well, I also began my freshman year with a quirky little stuffed green frog that clutched a heart. “You’ve got to kiss plenty of frogs before finding your prince,” the accompanying message noted. This stuffed toy was a present from my grandmother.
Was my own grandmother genuinely urging me to go around kissing a lot of guys?! More importantly, did I really need to kiss so many frogs to discover “the one”? I can’t even estimate how many frogs I’ve crossed paths with over the years, but the number of princes I can count on one hand.
If you’re dating during your twenties or thirties, you likely use various methods to assess your interest or whether the guy you’re seeing feels the same. Too frequently, however, there seems to be an excessive focus on the importance of physical aspects, especially the first kiss. Just as we might overthink a first date, the initial kiss can also become a subject of relationship analysis. We might wonder: What does it signify? Where could it lead? Are we moving too fast? Too slowly? Should this have happened already? Is it too early? Does my breath smell okay? Did I have too much to drink?
There’s a reason why kissing has historically been a standard part of courtship. Studies indicate that a kiss acts as a crucial sign during that early attraction phase, and people certainly make judgments based on these moments. According to evolutionary psychologists from the State University of New York at Albany, 59 percent of men and 66 percent of women admit they stopped pursuing a relationship due to a poor kiss. From a more biological and less romantic viewpoint, numerous studies suggest that a man’s scent may provide subconscious insights into his genetic compatibility. While I would never suggest judging someone solely based on his kissing skills, I have discovered over time that kisses can indeed reveal certain aspects about a man and your feelings toward him.
Although the closeness of a kiss can complicate matters, if you allow it, a first kiss can also provide some perspective on the relationship. You must interpret it for yourself, but these small signals are worth pondering as you navigate early kisses and attempt to understand what they signify for you—and for him.
01. It Confirms Attraction, Not Relationship Intent
This may seem obvious, but kisses serve as declarations in their own right. Different cultures might have varying interpretations of what various types of kisses convey, but in general, in the United States, a kiss on the lips indicates that you’re more than just friends. While there are exceptions, it essentially communicates: “I appreciate the time we’ve spent together; I like you, and I definitely don’t view you as a ‘bro.’”
I have always found this aspect of kissing to be refreshing. In a society where mixed signals are rampant, and men are often uncertain about how to interact with women (and vice versa), it’s reassuring to know there’s one simple test reserved for connections beyond friendship. It’s both exhilarating and validating. My intuition was right; the attraction is confirmed.
However, for many of us who have kissed before, this clarity may be fleeting. Just because he finds you attractive doesn’t mean he has defined what type of relationship he wants. While each situation will have its own unique features, there are specific signals worth contemplating. For instance, was it just an initial kiss, or did it also involve a first grope? Did it seem like he was easing into the kiss or rushing things, or was he simply swept up in the moment? Reflect on how the kiss made you feel—did you sense discomfort or even a lack of safety, or did you experience complete happiness?
Anita A. Chlipala, MA, MEd, LMFT, from Relationship Reality 312, Inc., explains, “Someone who wants to keep kissing you clearly enjoys the kissing and feels some chemistry, [but] if you’re getting a tongue in your ear and a hand creeping up your shirt, he may be trying to rush things or is merely interested in scoring. Wait for another true date (not just hanging out), and observe if he maintains consistent contact with you—not just texting you at the last minute, asking if you’re free to meet.”
02. You Can Gauge His Confidence Level
In this Verily article, Maggie Niemiec explains that courage is the most appealing quality in a man. I completely agree. My husband’s frankness and boldness while pursuing me completely captivated me—and it was definitely the trait that stood out as I got to know him better. Even the way we shared our first kiss, though likely not cinematic, embodied his essence: direct, straightforward, and daring.
Looking back on my dating experiences, it was those unclear and indirect initial kisses that led to the most regrettable relationships. While it doesn’t spell disaster if your partner is reserved, the way he approaches that first kiss may reflect his confidence—which can significantly impact how he treats both you and himself.
There are countless other signs that can reflect his confidence, but his approach during those first kisses is particularly worth observing. “With confidence, he simply takes action,” Chlipala notes. “He doesn’t impose the kiss but is attuned to your signs and is comfortable deepening the kiss.” She adds that another sign of self-assurance is his willingness to compliment you or discuss the kiss. “If he’s prepared to put his feelings out there, he expresses them,” she says.
03. Observe His Sensitivity to Nuances
Kissing well requires a degree of sensitivity—similar to any interpersonal interaction. So, during those early moments, pay attention to how he interprets subtle cues or signals, such as eye contact or a gentle touch. How does he react to physical hints while you’re kissing? And, intriguingly, where do these initial kisses take place? Are they occurring outside a gas station or on a hill with a lovely view of the city? Essentially, does he grasp the distinction between an uninspiring setting and a romantic one?
These details may seem minor in the broader context, but they are intriguing to consider, as they can signal how deliberate he is or how in tune he is with aesthetics and physical touch. “Choosing to kiss in a beautiful park in the city instead of a convenient spot could indicate he’s a romantic who puts thought into dates and meaningful moments,” Chlipala states. “Regardless, if a guy is observant of the subtleties, acknowledge it. You want to communicate that you notice and appreciate his consideration.”
That being said, keep in mind that first kisses aren’t a guaranteed means to foresee the future. Although they can reveal tendencies and small personality traits, it’s not catastrophic if the kiss turns out poorly. “First kisses are typically not flawless—this is real life, not a romantic comedy,” shares relationship expert Laurie Davis, founder of eFlirt.com. Pay attention to the kiss, but don’t dismiss a guy solely because the initial kiss was a bit awkward—kissing is an intimate act, so it’s bound to feel somewhat strange at first. “It’s amusing how much pressure we place on ourselves regarding intimacy,” one woman shared with me. “Sometimes those clumsy first kisses can be rather charming—and make for a great story.”